Motherhood, My Greatest Gift.
Motherhood has been my absolute greatest gift from God. He has blessed me tremendously throughout my life, but becoming a mother by far, takes the cake!
If people only knew the prayers I prayed before the life I have now, they would understand why I am so grateful for where my life currently is. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. 2 years ago our family photographer Shaleena Cole, came to our condo to take newborn photos of our daughter, Lourdes Marcelle. I cried tears of joy the entire time. I almost ruined the beautiful makeup Chaneice Coleman had done for me, and I didn’t care at all, because I couldn’t believe I was finally a mother. I remember my own mother standing in the room watching me hold my child, and I thought to myself, God, I did it, no YOU did this God. You kept your promise to me. Even giving my mother the opportunity to be in the room to watch me embark on this new journey was a blessing and bittersweet. You see, I was always concerned about becoming a mother, because I didn’t really have a close relationship with my mother like most young women do. I am fortunate to have my mother, but the relationship has been strained for as long as I can remember. Now don’t get me wrong, I definitely put forth the effort, but ultimately have had to create boundaries to protect my peace within the relationship. Yes, boundaries are necessary, even with parents.
Trust and believe me when I say, I have nothing but love and respect for my mother, but the emotional connection that I have always desired, just isn’t there. The reality for me is that, my mother and I are not close, and I honestly can’t remember a time in my life when we ever were, and unfortunately, we probably never will close the way I have always desired we would be. I have accepted that reality, and have made peace with it in my heart. I always felt like more of a burden to my mother, than a blessing. I don’t have the type of relationship with my mother, that if I call, she will be there, or if I need her, she will be there. It’s more of an at her convenience type relationship. She has been there for some things, but not everything. That is my reality and has been for as long as I can remember. I am sure that was never her intention, but ultimately that is how I have felt, for most of my life. This has also been met with many apologies and broken promises, so my own trust issues within female friendships, specifically, have suffered because of the history of the relationship I have with my mother.
So, you can imagine my initial apprehension about becoming a mother. Growing up the oldest sibling of two younger sisters, I have always had to look after or be some level of responsible for other children majority of my own childhood and teenage adolescence. So, becoming a parent was the last thing I thought I’d ever want to do. But after meeting and marrying my life partner, Marcel, I was met with the task of deciding whether or not motherhood was for me. Outside of not wanting to be selfish, I wanted to be able to be capable of motherhood. While I never felt I got the emotional support I needed from my own mother, God always placed women in my life to fill those gaps. Whether it be my aunts, my godmother, grandmother, coaches, teachers, or mentors, I never went without the support I needed, when I needed it. But motherhood for me meant much more. You see, I had to do it right. I had to be everything I felt I never got from my own mother, but was I even capable of that? Was I capable of providing the very thing I required, but felt I never received? Was I sensitive enough, was I loving enough, was I worthy enough? All of these things weighed on me, during discussions of becoming parents, with my spouse.
I will never forget the day that I released that fear, and self doubt, and gave my womb over to God. I remember praying and holding my stomach during that prayer and telling God, that whenever He saw fit for my time to become a mother, that I would receive everything he had for me, and honor it. Well he wasted absolutely no time, because less than 3 weeks later, we conceived and I found out I was expecting! In that moment the joy I felt was a reminder that God definitely hears and answers prayers.
Now my pregnancy was no crystal stair, honey, but I would do it all over again to get this beautiful little girl in my arms. I wanted to share this to let you know, that regardless of your past, your shortcomings, and your insecurities, God still finds you worthy. He will provide you with every tool you need to be the best mother you can be. The true test is when you get the blessing, what you do with it.
I have spent the last 2 years loving on this little human that my husband and I created. Just to see how much she is like me, genetically, always astounds me. She is the best version of my husband and I, and my life’s work it to show her a consistent example of love and support, while leaving a legacy for her that surpasses even my wildest expectations. Being a mother gave my life even more purpose. I feel grateful and extremely blessed to have the opportunity to love her, the way she deserves and the way I always desired a mother’s love. I finally get the opportunity to do better, and make it count. God is wildly generous. Trust and believe, His timing is always better than our own. Motherhood is truly the greatest gift I have ever received. It’s not easy by any means, but it’s worth every moment of growing and learning right along with my little one. Thank you God for this gift.